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http://lipmag.com/opinion/a-one-woman-band-the-stigma-of-being-single/
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Church hopping: is it morally askew? An act of desperation? Does it suggest a lack of faith in God to bless you right where you are? Perhaps there are no hard and fast answers, but in this blog I will attempt to shed some light on the matter, and hopefully dislodge some of the stigma attached to church hopping for singles.
Rewind several months: I am at a pot luck dinner hosted by a friend of a friend. All in attendance are church-going Christians, and during the course of the evening I meet a few new faces. One attendee, a guy of similar age to myself, asks what church I attend. I name the flourishing city-based church that I’m attending, to which he responds:
My immediate inward response is anger, and a big part of me wants to
scream out “what would you know about the
absence of the opposite sex in church?”
Fortunately though, I don’t speak out in anger. Instead, I adopt a position of understanding
for my fellow single sisters, and thoughtfully replied with this:
“No, but I really commend women who go outside of their comfort zones
in an effort to meet new people”.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t recognise what such a response
highlighted (in him) a lack of understanding or empathy towards his God-fearing
sisters.
Yet a certain stigma for single women who change churches does undeniably exist. I’ve been in Auckland (Central) for seven
years now, and in that time have belonged to three different
churches. My reasons for changing
churches are varied and cannot be dwindled down to one single factor. But if I’m
to be completely honest, the absence of men in some circles did give extra
weight to my decision to pack my bible and move to another church’s pew. A question I’m commonly asked by women I meet
in churches I’m new to is ‘What made you decide to change churches?’ For me, I’ve experienced this question as a
rather loaded question. Most women I
meet and whom I’m already friends with are single, and to answer with ‘Because
there were no men at the previous church’ is awkward for a number of
reasons. For one, it could suggest to
the questioner that you think their efforts are passive and unacceptable. For another, you could be expected to give
subsequent updates on whether or not you’ve met anybody at your new church. Personally, I’ve voiced all honest reasons
for departing my previous churches, bar any reference to the shortage of
men.
There was, however, one exception to this. I’d joined a choir at one church in the lead
up to their Christmas performance, partly as I felt compelled to do my bit for
the Christ-focused Christmas cheer, and partly because I wanted to meet new
people so that I could sit with them at church on Sundays. Arriving a few minutes earlier for practise
one evening, I entered the facilities with another woman whom I’d never met
before. She introduced herself and we started chatting.
Learning I was new to the church, she asked me what caused me to switch
churches. I noted something prior to
this question: this lady was wearing a wedding ring. She was also several years older than
me. I decided, based on my assumption
that she couldn’t find my motivation a threat or a subtle criticism of her own
positioning, to answer with particular reference to the singleness factor. I told her that I was now in my thirties,
that there were no suitable single men in my previous church and that, because
of this, I felt I should branch out and try some place where there were more men
and, thus, more potential for meeting someone.
My expectations were met; this woman didn’t judge me and took quite a supportive
stance on the matter.
However, this seems to be more the exception than the rule, and the
fact that changing churches to meet someone is so often frowned on and
stigmatised is something I continually struggle with. Just reflect on Brook Fraser’s lyrics “Faith
without deeds is dead”. Indeed, Albert
Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing year
after year and expecting a different result.
Thinking about it, what is Date My Mate but merging many congregations
in one common setting? And this is for
the select purpose of finding someone. Single
Christians feel ok about such functions because - at some point - someone has
deemed it ok for us to mingle with singles from other churches, hence their
decision to host the event in the first place.
But we needn’t make our endeavours to meet new people of the opposite
sex limited to a singles function given the tick by an event coordinator; our
own judgements bathed in careful prayer should suffice. And I do think prayer has a lot to do with it.
Depending on what part of the world you are in, you might find yourself
slightly overwhelmed by the number of churches worth considering. Within Auckland city centre there are more
churches than there are Sundays in a year.
Let us not forget that God ordained Sunday as the day of rest, so rather
than stressing about how to get to a new venue and where you’ll find parking, try
praying and listening from Christ first.
Moreover, there is a certain parallel I have recently drawn in relation to the
stigma of singles trying other churches.
Let us say you’ve been going to the same church for a good three years,
and in that time you’ve made great friends, maybe admired one or two men along
the way, but really the core circle of church goers in your age group isn’t
really evolving in the manner of bringing new men into
the church. So, you think to yourself,
the chances of meeting someone here on Sundays or in mid-week small groups is,
well, extremely low. Perhaps you mention
thoughts of trying somewhere different to a friend or two, and no doubt they’ll
ask what has prompted this desire to explore other houses of God. If you are like me, at this point you feel
awkward: you are Christian, so you don’t want to lie and say something along
the lines of “I’m just not feeling challenged anymore”, but you also know there
is an unspoken code within Christian realms that dictates you can’t leave on
the basis of lack of male potential.
Perhaps you try to slip between the cracks and not announce anything,
quietly leaving one Sunday never to be seen again. It is pretty sad to think it might come to
something like the latter. After all,
God created man and woman, and marriage is a sacred covenant the Almighty
created. Why, then, do we have to pretend that
we are always happy with our single status year after year, and carry on the
same routine so as not to appear human with inclinations toward God-ordained convenants?
Let’s break this down and see it for what it really is. Say, for example, there a Christian woman
(we’ll call her Mary) who is looking for a job.
She has been at her current job for 8 years, and whilst she has formed
great relationships there she feels that she needs a change. So what does she do about this? She prays about it, she views the 'Situations Vacant' colum in the newspaper, and she signs up with
Seek (New Zealand site for advertised job positions) so that she can view
relevant positions as they become available.
I want to point out two things here.
First, she doesn’t just pray about
it and then sit on her hands from then on. Again, we
are called to be active – and, I think proactive – and make steps while
trusting Him and letting Him guide us.
Likewise, as I’ve explained, we should incorporate prayer also when
considering leaving or going to a new church.
Secondly, Mary signed up with a site that constantly lists positions
employers are looking to fill each day. We wouldn’t expect her to sign up with a
site that rarely (or perhaps never) has any new listings, would we? So why
do we expect women to constrain themselves to a church that never has single
men? Such notions defy logic.
Also, by widening one's church circle, singles are more likely to meet different people of the same sex and form more new friendships, an action that can
assist in absorbing an excess of time spend alone or even alleviate loneliness. My close circles of friends are mostly from
three different churches. I first
started attending a centre city church 7 years ago. Had I not ventured from that church, I would
in all likeness probably not have met two thirds of the friends that I have
today. I truly value those friendships,
and my life has been enriched because of them.
Indeed, when faced with bouts of loneliness from time to time, I took
comfort in the fact that, from having a reasonable number of friends, at least
one of them would have time to spend with me.
Likewise, I hope that I have also helped them in their journey in life;
even the simple act of attending a friend’s function when you’ve been invited
shows them that you care, or sending a text to let them know they are not
forgotten.
But doesn’t a rolling stone
collect no moss…
If this were true, I wouldn’t have formed the friendships that I have, nor
would I have had valuable fellowship with other believers. However, I will stress that you do need to
put down roots somewhere in order to cultivate friendships. Like plants, friendships need time and
attention in order to grow and strengthen.
Changing churches every fortnight is probably not going to result in too many
new friendships. Rather, you need to
spend time there to connect and get to know people. Most of my Christian friends I met through
going to working bees, church camps, or joining the welcome team, not from attending Sunday services. You can’t put a time bracket around how long
this will take, that is why prayer and trusting in the Lord is necessary. I am reminded of the theme song from the old
sitcom ‘Cheers’, “Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name… And they’re always glad you came”.
Moreover, we don’t know what role someone will play in our life until
we can look back after some time and reflect on it. One of my closest friends I met at a friend
of a friend’s birthday party. After a
couple of my dating relationships dissolved, she has literally turned up on
my door step with chocolate and tissues without me even asking anything of her. That is priceless. In another church I went to, I was to
discover that I wasn’t to make many friends there. I spent several months in a small group, but
try as I might - bar one person - I couldn’t get connected. That one person is my best male mate now, and
through him I met another guy who accompanied me to Date My Mate (where taking
a single friend of the opposite sex was a requirement). Since that event, I’ve been seeing
someone. If you remove any one of
these people from my life, perhaps things would look very different for me
today.
The subjective “me” is not to be the whole picture though. Others needs need to be recognised when
considering the changing of churches.
Specifically, I do not think that changing churches should be so
frequent that we avoid responsibilities like serving, whether it is serving the
church as a whole body, or individuals in life stages that require encouragement
and support. Hebrews 10 versus 23-25
says:
“Let us hold
unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on
toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up
meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one
another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Indeed, meeting together facilitates familiarity if it
is practiced on a continuum. Certainly this
can only come about with a sufficient period of time.
Also, in order to encourage one another we need to know where they are
at and what they are going through.
Trust is not always garnered the first time we meet someone, it is
something that has to be earned over time.
Finally, having taken a look online, the definition of
Church Hopping most recurrent is this: going from one church to another without
committing to any one church for any substantial period of time. Perhaps we’ve been miss-using the term in New
Zealand circles. It seems Church
Shopping is more accurate, as it relates to finding a new church that you can then
call home. So, single Christian women looking
for somewhere new, I wish you the courage and faith you need to stand against
any stigmatism you may encounter as you negotiate your Sunday whereabouts. I pray that you will draw strength from God
and from those understanding people around you as you bravely step out. And, when
you do find your new home church, I pray that no brother-in-Christ will then
quiz you with “Have you just come here to find a husband?” J
-Wendie
closetcalvinist.com
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